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| God hates gays, but loves volleyball, apparently? I wonder if Christ has ever seen Top Gun? |
Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr., 84, has died, according to multiple news sources. Phelps was the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church*, an organization famous for picketing of soldiers' funerals carrying signs that show a purportedly divine disapproval of homosexuals, a decisive hatred of America, and a particularly specific distaste toward anal sex and Hilary Clinton (and presumably the combination of the latter two.)
The news of Phelps' death came as a shock to many whose fears had been assuaged just moments earlier by the WBC. "Fred Phelps has health issues," the WBC said in a statement Wednesday, "but the idea that someone would suggest that he is near death, is not only highly speculative, but extremely foolish considering that all such matters are the sole prerogative of God." Our omniscient God, knowing this statement would be issued, summarily executed Phelps during the issuing of the statement.
When Fred Phelps wasn't attempting to disturb an American hero's final rest, or disparaging the homosexual community, he was writing letters to Saddam Hussein, praising the jovial dictator for creating, "the only Muslim state that allows the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ to be freely and openly preached on the streets." It was this kind of tireless and meticulous work that helped Phelps and his WBC rise through the "Most Hated" ranks, past ordinary cults like Heaven's Gate, beyond other frustrated, self-loathing, anti-gay-while-actually-being-gay-all-along, gay-as-gay-can-be, totally gay preachers like Ted Haggard.
So how hated a person was Phelps? Well, it turns out that a man famous for hateful exclusion was hatefully excluded from the very hateful exclusion machine that he created. Phelps had been excommunicated from the WBC within the past six months, for reasons that have yet to be made public.
Kirk Cameron is a self-appointed religious advisor to the sinning world, and was recently voted as In Christ Magazine's "Most Likely to be Raptured in the 2014 Rapture." Cameron, during a candid, caught-on-camera moment in a guest shot on CTN's Real Housewives of Gomorrah, piously speculated as to what caused Phelps' rift with WBC: "Fred Phelps is an amazing example of a Christian, a man who sticks to Jesus' no-gays rule, no matter what. Whatever he did to get left behind--and like the speculation was maybe that the WBC caught Fred committing a gay act--well, he probably wasn't doing it for real, he was obviously doing it just to show the little boy how bad being gay really is, like 'Hey kid, if you do something like this [Cameron then pantomimed oral sex on a man, using his clenched hand and and a repetitive, thrusting, tongue-in-cheek motion], then this is your path to Hell.' So, Fred committing sodomy on a pre-schooler would be purely gay-preventative in nature, and does not count the same as actually being gay, and God knows that, even if the WBC got it wrong."
Finding somebody as hate-able as Phelps is not going to be easy, say public opinion experts, who claim that Phelps' death has created a vacuum atop the rankings of the most hated people in America. Possible nominees include George Zimmerman (who famously stood his ground) , Michael Dunn (who more recently and more famously stood his ground, also), and O.J. Simpson (who, if you think about the definition of "stand your ground," probably could have made a case that he stood HIS ground). But the most likely candidate waiting in the wings to take Phelps' post of "Most Hated" is disgraced former Penn State Assistant Coach Jerry Sandusky. At the time of press, Mr. Sandusky was being shower-raped in an purposely-ironic way and couldn't be reached for comment.
*Perhaps the group's name should be expressed as the triple-air-quoted "Westboro" "Baptist" "Church," given that
(a.) the building is not in Westboro (it's in Topeka, KS), and given that
(b.) the organization is not affiliated with Baptism in any way, and given that
(c.) the organization is not really a "church" in any meaningful way, either, perhaps "hate cult" would be more appropriate.
Wow, that's the most air quotes I've seen since "Liberty" "University" founder Jerry Falwell died!
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